Morpheus- Welcome to the inaugural Goal.com Community Forum Awards Extravaganza. I am your host and favourite Administrator Morpheus and standing beside me is the vivacious Keeley Hazell. We have an action packed hour for you so fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride.

Keeley-  I enjoy taking rides luv.

Morpheus: I bet you do but we have business to attend to so let’s stay sharp. We could only afford an hour of Keeley’s time so without any further adieu let the festivities commence.

Keeley- That’s right, less talk and more rock. The first award up for grabs tonight is for the forums best fisherman. And the winner of the Bass Master Award is…… JAVIERREDONDO!!

(Crowd breaks out into applause and Javier makes his way to the stage)

Javier- You are looking mighty fine tonight gorgeous.

Keeley- (Smiles and hands the trophy to him) Congratulations on the award.

Javier – Oh dear, I haven’t been this happy since ‘Pool came back from three-nil down to beat Milan in Istanbul. Oh Dear, I haven’t felt this good since I bought my new puppy. Speaking of Milan I would like to thank Don Giancarlo. His comments used to get on my knackers but he brought out the best in me. I would also like to wish Cristian Abiatti, the second best keeper in the world and the practicing fascist, a fast recovery from his injury woes.

Keeley- That is very sweet of you.

Javier- There is more of that, where that came from darling.

Keeley – Calm down luv, you wouldn’t know what to do if you got your hands on me

Javier – Are you serious?! I am 17-years-old and attend school in Salford, which is between Manchester and Liverpool. I am not a virgin in case you didn’t already know. I would rather win a fiver on a scratch card than waste my time with the likes of you.

Morpheus – Easy now Javier, we know you are suave, congrats on your award and keep on truckin’

(Javier leaves the stage and takes his seat next to Redoranje and Gunnerms who doesn’t want to sit at the Arsenal table with all of the fake Arsenal fans)

Morpheus- Just to let you know, every single one of these horn-dogs are probably going to hit on you when you get up here especially Punkfusion, who just may spontaneously combust if he touches your hand.

Keeley – It’s okay, boys will be boys.

Morpheus- Well as long as you know then. Moving right along, the next category is the ‘Foreigner, You’re As Cold As Ice Award’. This prize goes to the member who keeps his cool amongst the many hotheads in the community.

Keeley- Why is it for foreigners only??

Morpheus- It’s not, there is a band named Foreigner wrote a song called ‘You’re As Cold As Ice’ and hence the name of the award.

Keeley- I have never heard of the them before…

Morpheus- They were a little before your time.

Keeley- Anyway, back to 2009, the winner is 9JAFAAAAAAN!!

(The auditorium, yes the gala is taken place in an old auditorium, breaks out in polite golf claps before exploding into thunderous applause)

9jafan- Good evening Miss Hazell, you look extravagant in that dress of yours!

Keeley – (smiles and then blushes) Why thank you(she then hands the award to 9ja).

9jafan- (takes out a handkerchief and wipes his brow) It’s a pleasure to be honoured by my fellow peers and I humbly stand before you and say that let’s all do our part to keep the beautiful game beautiful.

(crowd cheers and Najgunner, Fever and Cartts give 9ja a thumbs up from the Arsenal table)

 9jafan- There are many people who disguise themselves as fans who want to destroy the game that unites the world. Let’s take these people with a grain of salt and as the old saying goes:  Mbwa aibaye yuajijua which means, a thieving dog knows itself.

Let’s not waste our time with foolish debate and banter but instead celebrate the game that brings so much joy to the masses. Just remember, if you have one finger pointing at somebody, you have three pointing towards yourself.

Good luck and God bless!

(Crowd cheers once more and 9ja steps down from the podium and shows his award off to Realgunner)

Keeley- He is as cool as a cucumber. He would make a good moderator Morpheus.

Morpheus- He would eh

Keeley – Moving along, the next award is for the member whose posts are censored the most. The winner of the Lenny Bruce Appreciation Award is JUVEPOWER.

(auditorium stays silent)

Morpheus – Well Juvepower is no longer with us so 7amood will pick up the award in his honour.

(7amood walks up to the stage, winks at Keeley and takes the award)

7amood – Yes, he was a Juve fan but truth be told, he wasn’t a friend of mine and kind of gave us a bad name around the forums. Good riddance I say.

(Crowd cheers and 7amood steps off the stage)

Keeley- Who is that? (Keeley points to a man briskly walking to the stage)

Morpheus –Not sure but he looks pissed off.

(man jumps up to the podium and grabs the microphone)

Morpheus – Eastwood, what the hell are you doing?

Eastwood- You are a blind Morpheus, you and goal.com are chickens. No give Messi any respect and always underrate him.

Morpheus- Jeez

Eastwood – Why no Messi win award yet tonight? You blind man Morpheus are anti-Messi

Morpheus – Messi isn’t even up for any of the awards tonight Eastwood.

Eastwood- You see chicken Morpheus, you are like a baby in kindergarten class, you even admit he no win award. How no award for best player in world?

Morpheus – These awards are for the members of our community, all professional football players (expect for Acmilanplus10) are not eligible.

Eastwood – This is a senseless and immature show. Don’t be jealous, read Ziggy’s post about Messi-Haters.

(Security then rushes the stage and drags Eastwood off)

Keeley – Why was calling you a blind for? I don’t think that window blinds make good insult material.

Morpheus (shakes head and takes a swig of Absinthe from his hip-flask) Let’s move forward shall we? What’s the next award up for grabs Keeley?

Keeley: Next up is the award for the The Dennis Nicolaas Bergkamp Circa 1986 which goes to the forums most promising rookie. And the winner is KARAKAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Crowd applauds and Karakai gives the west side sign to Realgunner and tries to kiss Keeley on both cheeks but instead receives a swift slap from the Brunette beauty)

Karakai- Come on I am half Italian, that’s how we greet people. I slammed 29 broads before I was 19! Oh well it was worth a shot! Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo, Special K in the houuuuuuuuuuuuuuse! I have had too many Colt 45’s and am a little drunk so bear with me…  I would like to thank my homee Real G first of all and my favourite player in the whole, wide world Ronaldinho……………..Wait a minute what did Ronaldinho say when he won the World Player of the Year award??

Morpheus- Not sure I wasn’t there

Keeley- I am not talking to you, you pig

Karakai- Come on!! I want to know what Ronaldinho said when he won.

Morpheus – Can’t help you partner

Karakai- I want to say what Ronaldinho said!

Morpheus – Get a hold of yourself man, you are acting like a rookie

Karakai- I don’t care, I want to make the exact same speech that Ronaldinho made when he won.

Morpheus- He thanked his homey’s?

Karakai- Are you smoking ice?

Morpheus – Nope….

Keeley- I can’t take this….He probably gave a shout-out to his bros.

Karakai- My man Ronaldinho! I want to thank Realgunner…

Morpheus- You already thanked him.

Karakai – My bad, my bad, I ain’t mad at ya Morph. I want to thank Fever and the rest of the Aussie contigent and Tupac and Biggy, may their souls rest in peace. Also I hope that the po-po find out who killed these two legends. (turns his head to Keeley) I am going backpacking in Europe, I don’t need no attitude from you, I am going to be porking chicks every day of the week that ends in ‘y’ Ayoooo, Ayoooo,

(The Milan section applauds wildly and glares menacingly glance over at the other side of the auditorium where the Arsenal contingent is sitting)

Keeley: He certainly is a ball of energy

Morpheus: You don’t know the half of it. Okay, so let’s go, we are on a tight schedule here.

Keeley: Take a chill pill Morpheus, the next award of the evening is the Billy O’Reilly ‘Shut-up’ Award… And the Winner is FADIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!

(The Milan section brings back the Arsenio Hall whoop whoops for a solid 30 seconds until Fadi reaches the stage)

Keeley – There you go little guy, congratulations

Fadi- I believe this belongs to me (as he grabs the trophy from Keeley’s hands)

Fadi- Listen up fools, Is it all your times of the month or something! I am a Milan fan, the greatest team in the history of football suckers!! All you stupid Real Madrid fans may think you have our history but you don’t losers! You’re embarrassing yourselves!! Your filthy corrupt club is an embarrassment to football!! And you Arsenal supporters can just shut-up.

Morpheus- That’s why he won the award folks.

Fadi- I am not done Morpheus thank you very much. How many Champions League trophies do Arsenal have?! I will give you a hint, it rhymes with the Emperor Nero!!! Ha ha ha ha!! Shove it Arsenal geeks, you guys suck! (Milan fans stand and applaud in unison)

How many Arsenal or Real Madrid fans have won awards tonight?! I will tell you; none

Morpheus – Well actually 9jafan won an award and he is an ardent Arsenal supporter

Fadi- Prove it Morpheus, Arsenal can’t beat us at anything. They haven’t even won the Champions League, did I fail to mention that.

Morpheus- Nope, you mentioned it once before

Fadi- Idiots, you will bow down to the power of Milan, who will beat the cheaters Inter and relegate them to Serie B where those scum belong. Forza Milan!!

(Fadi exits the stage to a mixture of jeers and cheers)

Keeley- He is one intense guy.

Morpheus- You should have seen it when Giancarlo was around, why do you think I carry a flask with me, I never used to.

Keeley- The next award up for grabs is the Earnest Hemingway Drinks Absinthe Award which goes to the member who writes the next Great American novel when posting his thoughts and opinions. And the winner is BLOODBORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloodbore walks up to the podium and takes the award from Keeley with a herculean smile on his face

Bloodbore- Thank you very much everyone! I believe it’s 2-1 for the Arsenal now Fadi!

(Bloodbrore exits the stage to applause)

Morpheus – What? Were you expecting him to give a long winded speech that would force us to cue the music to cut his speech short while we yanked off the stage? Because if you did that would have been much too obvious.

Keeley – Much, much too obvious

Morpheus- Way to obvious

Keeley – Way, way too obvious

Morpheus – Yep

Keeley – The next award up or grabs this evening is the Age of Enlightenment Award… And the winner is REDORANJE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(applause from every corner of the auditorium rings out and Redoranje walks up the stage to receive his award)

Keeley – I really like your name!

Redoranje- Thank you very much Keeley, you look wonderful on this fine evening

(Keeley smiles and hands him his award)

Redoranje – I would like to thank everybody that voted for me and would also like to send out a message of thanks to my close mates on the community. You know who you are guys!

I appreciate the members on the forums who use facts and figures instead of speculation and innuendo to get their message across. I also hope that journalists will use precise points to back up their opinions instead of wild accusations that ends up devaluing their work.

Keeley – Wow, I am impressed, are you studying in University right now?

Redoranje- Indeed I am

Keeley – Whereabouts?

Redoranje- In the middle of nowhere in Hicksville, USA

Keeley- Sounds intriguing, I dig Americans.

Redoranje- I would like to thank Rafa Benitez and Liverpool for an excellent season and am looking forward to ending their long Premier League drought at the conclusion of the 2009-10 campaign. Thanks again for this award.

(Leaves to a round of applause)

Keeley – I think I like him Morpheus

Morpheus – He has seen you half-naked in a Chelsea shirt, not sure that won many points with him. Plus you have ‘been’ with Joe Cole

Keeley- Come on, It was only one night and I was really, really drunk…

Morpheus – Is that why your boyfriend caught you in the act and pummelled Cole into such a pulp that he was unrecognisable when he finally escaped out of a window and went to the hospital?!

Keeley – Whatever Morpheus!

Morpheus- What happened to real women like Trinity, She never slutted it up and still looked good in her tight black pants. She was a good woman and ended up dying for the cause not like you girls today who think the world owes them something.

(Keeley starts crying)

(Redoranje comes running back to the stage and consoles her until her tears dry up)

House DJ plays some Paul Oakenfeld for five minutes until everyone calms down…

Morpheus- The next award on tonight’s slate is the Madini/Zanetti/Adams Award which goes to the forum’s most dedicated member. Keeley can you do the honours

Keeley – I am not talking to you, do it yourself..

Morpheus – Fine then, the winner is Zllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatko!!

The house DJ (yes we splurged for a DJ) blares some DJ Tiesto as Zllatko saunters up to the podium.

Zllatko – thank you very much!

               I want to thank everyone on forums!!

               Especially my Albanian brothers!!

               We need to make forums as best as we can!!

               Let’s do this together!

               I hope Inter win Serie A this season!!!

               I hope Ibra stays!

               I want Inter to win the Champions League!!!!

               That’s all for now brothers!

               Talk later!

Morpheus- Congratulations Zllatko and excellent work, you have over 3000 posts and always help out when asked. Keep on trucking my friend.

(Zllatko exits the stage)

Morpheus – (looking at Keeley) Are we still talking?

Keeley – Nope

Morpheus- Ok then, the next award of the evening is the Dave Chappelle meets George Carlin (bless his soul) who turns into Billy Connolly Award. And the winner of the forum’s most humerous poster is FEVERPITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Feverpitch takes the stage, Throws Keeley over her shoulder and whispers in her ear: “don’t worry about that Italo-Canadian barbarian, here’s to looking at you kid,” and then puts her down)

Evening mates, cheers for the award much appreciated but I have a proposition to discuss. I would gladly trade this award in for another crack at those disgraceful Italians. We had them exactly where we wanted them and as per usual, they dived their way to victory.

Fabio Grosso is public enemy #1 down under. It was a blatant and disgraceful attempt to cheat the valiant Aussies and Lucky Guus out of what surely would have been the Socceroos’ first World Cup title. We would have cruised to the final and upset whoever we would have played and the Italians cheated us out of a star on our jersey.

I am petitioning FIFA and asking for the match to be replayed in the Fritz Walter Stadion in Kaiserslauten from the 90^th minute on with the game still in a scoreless deadlock. I want the match to be played on June 26 only with a different referee. The Spanish ref Luis Medina Cantalejo may see that type of tomfoolery in La Liga but has no business officiating at the international level.

I will hereby request that Byron Moreno take over the officiating duties again from the 90^th minute on with Italy down to ten men. I will also petition the FIGC and ask them to lay their World Cup trophy on the line in a winner take all scenario. It’s the only valiant and honourable thing for the despicable Italians to do.

With our pending victory we would have one star on our jersey while Italy would subtract one from theirs. It would be three World Cups for Italy and one for Australia but if you take away the two fixed World Cups in the 1930’s when Mussolini bribed the referee’s then we are actually tied with the Italians at one World Cup apiece.

I think that would be the only fair solution as Grosso obviously dived as you can see. (The lights dim and Fever goes to work on the telestrator showing the auditorium how it was Grosso who in fact initiated contact with Neill)

Thanks again for your time and for recognising my work!

Morpheus – And that concludes our award show tonight, I would like to thank my co-host Keeley Hazell..

Keeley- Don’t bother

Morpheus – And everyone else who has made the forums what it is today. A big shout out goes to……

(Another man makes his way up to the podium….)

Unknown – You call this an award show ffs.

Morpheus- Cyberman, the Malaysian sensation ladies and gentlemen!

Cyberman- I am seriously disappointed Morpheus. I carry the forums on my shoulder day in and day out ffs and yet I am not awarded for all of my insightful and educational posts. I have taught half of these posters what football is really about ffs! Half of them don’t even live in the country that their team plays in ffs.

I eat Feverpwned for breakfast, lunch and diner and yet I somehow manage to fail to pick up an award! I bet on myself to win an award and now I am out € 5000.00 ffs. That is not much to me but for normal folks that is a boatload ffs.

I can’t friggen believe the show is over and I haven’t been honoured. You parade up there with that Page 3 girl who has been crying for half of the show ffs. I have an interesting tape of her if anyone wants to see it. I AM AN INTERNET LEGEND FFS.

And you Morphine who pretend to be a Reggina fan when we all know who you cheer for. I am the best dressed man on the forums ffs. How could I not win a measly award! I stuck around waiting a month for the ceremony and for what? For nothing ffs. I am outta here!!